Stabtastic Contemplations

Explosion Salesman

2005-12-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

Say little girl, how would you like to be an explosion salesman? Well you can't, unless you get a sex change. But you can be a explosion salesperson, which is basically the same damn thing.

In either case, explosion salesperson is the wave of the future! Everyone is doing it, and everyone is making vast amounts of money too!

But how does it work? Simple! Go door to door, and offer the good people who answer a free explosion trial! You'll get several with your explosion saleskit. If they like what they get (and they shouldn't, because they will have died), then you sell them the real thing!

Once that is over, you raid the house for all the goods within. Easy money, and everyone is either happy or dead!

Get your explosion saleskit today little girl, before I try to offer you a free sample! DO IT!

Razorblade Wedding

2005-12-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

It should be seriously considered. Let me lay it out for you. Along the walkway there will be razorblades, so one will have to watch their step. The bouquet will be made entirely of razorblades, and instead of getting married whoever catches it is instead the next one to go to the hospital (AND IT'S NEVER WRONG!). Instead of a wedding ring, there will be a razor blade, and it will be used to cut off a finger, symbolizing that they were dumb enough to hold their hand out and let someone cut their finger off.

After the wedding there will be the razorblade reception. Instead of music and entertainment of the normal sort there will be a razorblade fight. You can throw them or use them for melee. Inside each bite of food there will be an inbedded razorblade, ready to cut your mouth to pieces. And finally when the bride and groom go to have wedding night sex their genitals will be replaced with razorblades.

Sounds awesome doesn't it?

Story

2005-12-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to write some story about some things. I don't want to give away any real information because that would ruin the story. I will tell you, however, that the story's name is currently Blood Hunt and that the main character's name is Evorik. He is human...mostly.

You can read it at the forums I frequent http://war3forum.worldofwar.net/showthread.php?t=35351

In other news, I think my attempt at attending college has been thoroughly sabotaged. My parents will be so dissapointed, but I can't say I honestly care.

Vampires

2005-11-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

I like vampires. I do not love vampires, worship them, or have any notion that any of my vampiric fantasies will come true, but I like them all the same. I can't really be made to choose a particular genre, because I am only familiar with a few.

However, let us get it straight that I do not enjoy the notion of vampires as sophisticated creatures of the night basking in society's bosum having a neverending list of sexual encounters but only being able to count their victims on their left hand. I like my vampires vicious, cruel, and monstrous. I like vampires that stalk the night, picking off random villagers, gorging themselves on blood and flesh (I see no reason that vampires can't eat flesh), and frightening all manner of people with their unblinking bloodshot eyes, pale and bruised corpse bodies, and snarling visages dripping with both the blood of a recent victim and some unidentifiable otherworldly drool-like substance. I want a vampire whos only reason for ripping a nubile young girl's clothes off is to have an easier time spilling her guts upon the ground and feasting upon the still-bleeding heart of a shredded body.

Frankly I don't really see the appeal of the fancy schmancy vampire, at least beyond the unimaginative daydreams of young women who enjoy intellectually and emotionally dead men so much that they are going to move on to animated corpses. Yes, that is what vampires are; animated corpses just like zombies and mummies. Vampires are supposed to be driven entirely by their need to feed; all this new stuff is just bright yellow paint to disguise a slaughterhouse.

Perhaps I should write a book on real vampires.

My First Blog Post Thing

2005-11-28T13:27:00.000-08:00

So here I am, writing for a blog, for no other reason than to see if anyone will look at it. Can't say I particularly care if they do, I just like to write, and I'd like to think that it is something I am decent at. Maybe someday I'll be a writer (not bloody likely, but the thought is nice). I probably have as good a chance at marrying an attractive and wealthy young woman who is blind enough to not notice how I look.

In the mean time however, I'll continue to read my books and play my games and wonder what life would be like if I lived in the 1600's.

2005-11-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that the one or two people who write things on the internet that I regularly read are typically anti-ad, usually as a matter of pride or the like. Being as I can only afford a free blog I, however, have no such self-respect. I welcome the idea of myself getting two to three cents in the mail every month. Infact, I relish it. I roll around on the floor in sheer ecstacy at the prospect of it all, and I hope you will all humor me enough to click on the ads at least once a day.

If it actually works, you'll all be the first to know. In the mean time, I shall busy myself with daydreams of nubile young women in plate mail carrying greatswords (for some reason it appeals to me).

Operation: Cowlimination

2005-11-28T11:32:00.000-08:00

Operation Cowlimination's objective is as follows; The systematic elimination of all the world's cattle.

Seriously, it is a good idea. In many places around the world, cows produce more pollution via their constant gas than cars do; particularly where there are alot of cows. Cows do nothing but eat, pass gas, poop, die, and be eaten. If we kill them all off, we save ourselves four out of five life steps.

Furthermore, we will have freed up a great deal of the world's land and water supply. With all the cows dead, we will have alot more room to farm and build our houses, and all the water that is used to hydrate and clean cows will instead be used to hydrate and clean myself (and perhaps the six billion other people on this planet too).

Going further, cattle genocide may help other places too. Without any cows being alive, rainforests and stuff that are cut down to make room for more cows would be cut down for other things, and probably cut down that much slower too. McDonald's would just about cease to exist. Better yet, those people who complain about McDonald's will pretty much disappear too (if I ever hear anyone in real life complain about McDonald's I am going to pelt them with McNuggets and then eat them off of their shattered corpse).

Perhaps the best part is that once all the cows are dead beef will start out really cheap and eventually become so expensive that the gods themselves will be unable to afford even a child's half-eaten burger. I won't even get started on the potential media effects (unless you all really want me to).

Besides, chicken tastes good too.